Aug 17, 2019
I’ve recently experienced something that called out my inner flaws - My constant need for acceptance. Everyday I strive to be more and more confident in who and what I am but sometimes I still find myself in this internal struggle so I decided to write about it. Perhaps you can relate…
I have been doing a really great job of integrating exercise into my lifestyle. There are days that I am unable to workout due to whatever reason, but I don't let it upset me. It’s only 1 day in a lifetime of healthy choices. A few weeks ago I decided I may need to incorporate more cardio into my daily routine. Nothing I did prior to this thought was anything close to moderate to high intensity (which is probably why I didn’t mind the workouts so much). I have the luxury of free gym access inside my office building so it was time to take advantage of it again. I prepped my gym bag the night before and ventured to the gym. When I walked in, it was taken over by a training class. (Yes, apparently my office hired trainers to conduct classes throughout the work week - it’s awesome!) The elliptical was still open, so I jumped on and watched the class. I studied each person go through the motions and thought to myself, “ I can totally do this!”
The lunch training is only on Tuesdays so I told both myself and the trainers I will be making the next class. I made sure I verbally told the trainers as a spoken commitment to ensure I actually went. I also told them that I need to be pushed As the day drew closer, that negative inner voice of mine started creeping in with “are you sure you want to do this?” “you hate this sort of workout” “why did you tell them you need to be pushed?!” and so on and so on...but I pushed through and went to class.
I walked in and they set me up with the HIIT - not what I was expecting. I can honestly tell you, I have NEVER done any sort of HIIT routine but I was open to it. This is where my need for approval crept in. I wanted to impress the trainers. I wanted them to be like “wow, this girl has got the stuff! Look at her form, look at her grit, she just pushes through and is AMAZING” - but, I struggled. I kept going but my form was weakening as the timed intervals winded down.The head trainer cut my time in half and then I got even deeper into my head space. “Oh you're weak Christine! You couldn't even do both rounds!” but then - I became light headed and nauseous. I physically had to stop.I quickly brought myself into the locker room to vomit and the trainer followed behind me. She had me lean over the sink and poured cold water on my neck. At this point I was so embarrassed. My inner insecurities were screaming “they think you're weak! Look at you on the verge of passing out ughhh” I am seriously insanely hard on myself. But the trainer just stayed there and talked to me about how it has happened to her before and we just kept talking through the moment. Her taking the time to make me feel better helped to calm myself down.
In hindsight, I did push myself through the uncomfortableness of the workout. I pushed myself hard. That is not weak! Although they modified my workout because let’s face it people - it was my first time - I did it and didn’t give up until I almost vomited. How I felt after that workout was truly amazing. Yes I was beyond sore; but I felt unstoppable. I wanted to continue on that high. The high of pushing my body further than its been pushed before. I went back the following week and didn’t allow myself to get in my head so much.I didn't have the inner voice telling me to impress the trainers. I finally went in to impress myself. I will continue to do this tuesday class in hopes that more lunch time classes pop up. Although this addition to my workout was to gain more cardio in my day to day, It introduced me to my own internal insecurities as another means of crushing that inner need of acceptance. I need to remain firm and true to myself and not give a damn if someone accepts me or not. Authenticity is my goal.
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